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"ESO-L. Calçada - Pluto (by)" by ESO/L. Calçada - Pluto (Artist’s Impression). Licensed under CC BY 4.0 via Wikimedia Commons.
Maybe the most authentic Detroiter ever is a super-ancient Icelandic guy!
He probably could be played by Eminem.
He speed raps horrorcore in Old Icelandic. Perhaps he was thawed during an early precursor of the turbulent reversals, which carried him and the lodestone in a flood of ice water down to Detroit. Perhaps Henry Ford had a hatch leading down into the tunnels where he would meet with this guy and listen to his Old Icelandic horrorcore raps while basking in the dark light of the lodestone.
This is so much scarier than global warming!
Carlton Farthington comes to Ann Arbor after reading an ancient manuscript about some underground caverns (now campus steam tunnels) that lead to a network of covered rivers, brooks, and streams. These in turn lead to an underground waterway to Iceland, which in turn leads to a volcano, which in turn leads to the center of the earth.
Somewhere along this path is the fabled lodestone, but what he discovers is that it has traveled to Detroit, where it was responsible for Detroit's meteoric rise and subsequent demise. He also discovers that it has A Guardian.
The Benefactor, aka The Most Authentic Detroiter Ever.
Oh, and while we're at it, I'd like to set the record straight about a few things: (1) dinosaurs had fur not feathers and (2) Vikings had helmets with horns and (3) Pluto is a planet, straying to the far reaches of our solar system before it slingshots back to destroy us all!
We need a bunch of meddlesome scientists who will be shocked by these revelations, people who have spent the last decade or so gratuitously revising everything I hold true.
Farthington is also a scientist, but a visionary one, like Eilert Lövborg in Hedda Gabler. Not one of these meddlers who want to spoil everyone's fun.
Dwarf planet, my ass!
Maybe Leif Ericsson discovered Detroit.
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